And so it is.

Her smile was sweet. To say I noticed her more than once would be an understatement. Today was different. She was showing all of her emotions in the corners of her mouth. Usually when I passed her having her late afternoon cigarette break her mouth was turned up. Her lips were usually bright pink. Like the color of her cheeks on the unusually cold days. She always looked as if she was trying to hide her beauty. It was as if she knew how uncomfortable it made people.
It was strange. She was not conventionally beautiful by any means. Her mouth was larger than most. Almost as if she had more teeth than she should. she had an intense brow bone with the smallest eyes. She was disproportionate in a lot of ways but everything about her was beautiful. She had this glow. People were drawn to her. Even on the days that I walked home on the opposite side of the street people would double take.
Today her lips were dark. Her skin was translucent but with freckles of red instead of the usual Gold. I couldn't help but walk towards her. I couldn't help but walk directly towards her.
Then He walked out the door. Another familiar man. Her cheeks flushed to the usual pink and she immediately perked up. Following behind was another woman who seamed to drain the color right back out. The situation to a normal person would not have appeared to be unusual in the slightest. I will say only this. I am observant. The color she had before turned into a completely different light. She lost her complexity in that very moment. Two people drained all of her radiance and I witnessed it.
As they walked away, she looked directly into my eyes.
"Would you like a cigarette?"

follow

Smoke escapes you lips.
Between the spaces
Its falling from my finger tips.
The gesture of casual passing.Its holds more truth than eyes can bare.

It frosts eyelids.
Cruel tongue lies motionless.
Between teeth the pain rises to an uncomfortable height.
Shaking knees.
They bend, they squeeze.

beyond this point.
There is only the wind to follow.
Let it lead to me.

on a rainy day

What are you doing up there, in that tree?
Excuse me miss. I did not realize I was in a tree. Now run along.
Well that is very rude of you sir. I was simply concerned. Can't you feel the raindrops? If you stay up in that tree with no jacket you will surely catch a chill that will knock you to the ground and keep you there with a chill for a long while.
Where is your umbrella young lady? You seem so concerned with my well being that you have lost concern for your own. I assume you are always this meddling. Starved for attention are we?
Just concerned. Wit a hat, jacket, scarf and gloves an umbrella is more a luxury than a necessity. I will be on my way now sir. Enjoy the view from above, it doesn't last forever you know.

questions

I have been avoiding having these feelings.
They complicate my steps.
Living in the world
Always sunny side up.

Make it sound sweet like honey.
So then Ill catch your ear.
I've loved enough for dozens
of sheep to leave the heard.
Please hear the love beneath my words.

All I want Is you to want
the same love that I do.
The aching in my bones.
The catching of my tongue.
All that you desire.
All you'll ever desire.

Our time is of the essence.
Regarles of the boundaries.
The sun ends all of our days.
Stop and Let us live.

101

It is funny. Continuously we throw our emotions all over the internet world. Weather it be a very detailed account of the most horrible night of your week. Maybe little passive aggressive comments here and there. Only a select few know whats eating you.
Yet it is all over the cyber world for all 200 of your closest internet friends to see. So willing to tell everyone your story. The feeling of seclusion still hangs around in your minds closet. All we really want is to be noticed. Even in the smartphone generation we want to act like cave men.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY NO ONE CAN HAVE A CONVERSATION ANYMORE. I feel like the answer is pretty obvious. So willing to say everything yet when it comes down to it, we can barely speak up for our actions. When hurtful things are said. We sit still. Like sadness is a thing we have never known. These years of technology haven't taught us anything. Especially about feelings. Emotion is so invasive now. When it starts to hurt even a little we tune it out. In a world of distractions we have now become the distracted.

try it.

I made it so easy for you.
Swept myself off of my own feet.
Did the hard work so you wouldn't have to.
Now its time to roll up your sleeves.
Dive deep and think like me.
Walk around with me in your head.

Is it just me?

Or do you kind of, sort of secretly hate me. Maybe hate is a strong word. To put it simply you dislike me more often than you like me.
Understandable. To say I am a diamond in the rough is an understatement. More rough than shiney. Hopefully the price of your sanity is worth the work.

Short Story For You.

It started around, oh say birth. Supposedly I haven't noticed until this very moment. Truly it may or may not be possible that I have known all along. Which is real.
From the earliest memory I have there has always been this nagging feeling from the depths of my throat. Holding on tight to fight off any abnormal air trying to escape from my body. The only ambitions that have ever stuck with me are the aspirations of complete and total complacency.
Close your eyes. Pretend that the things you know are real. The emotion. The crime. The desperation. The sadness. The danger. These things. They are all things you can control. You do this to reality. They smack it in the face and hold it down with both hands. You shove it all in a little pink box. Lock it up and put it in your craft drawer. Wearing the key on your wrist.
Just close enough. It never quite makes it into your hand. The option is there. This fight is internal partially due to external situations. The phrase escapes me at this point. Maybe at a later date. I have just got to run you see.

flowers

Conniving. Your words. Cut through the flesh and strike the bone. Aimed with the intention of harming the heart. If the love you once had for my veins and bones and flesh does no longer exist. Why persist? Quit with the words and empty complaints. Time will not award the proper change if actions aren't hasty.
Leave.
If the heart has gone cold find warmth. Do not let the rock pretend it is a flower any longer than it already has. Regardless stones still sink to the very bottom.

what is?

Colossal in shape.
Glacial in strength.
Falling down may chip off bits and pieces.
Alone at times.
Depths unpainted.
Primer in repair.
Holding the bulk of the weight.
Standing of its own height.
Incapable of measurement.
Invisible to the naked eye.
If sometimes finds itself misplaced.

Da Bai

On the bus. Exhausted and freezing, but this city is keeping me warm. For every moment of the day is an extreme of some sort. If something is far away it really far away. If they say its going to rain the skys are black and it rains all day. When it is hott it feels like the most intense heat wave the city has ever seen.
This city is dramatic. It is chaos. Contradictions everywhere.
It is what you want it to be. Right now I want it to be mine. All mine. Come to mama.

just in time

In my book the only thing worthy of fear is failure.
Now that there is nothing to obsess over I am scarred. Terrified. Anxious. There are only two options now.
Success or failure.
The past few months I have been filled stress that is completely irrelevant to my life. Worrying about things that don't matter. I have been working my entire life to get to this point. Here I am. Trying to avoid the future. Because it is horrifying.
There it lies. The big white envelope sitting in front of me and I can avoid it no longer.
I am half way there. One step closer to the only thing I have ever wanted. A college education. From this point on the learning will never stop.

raindrops on the windows

Things I most want to say.
They are the hardest to speak.
The words barely fit together in my mind.
Blinded by the weakness
Gripping flawed.
Slipping through.
Let the truth be known. Those who know, know it all. From the very peak to the depths of the valley. They deserve the full attention. Yet it is wasted. Patience deserved, given to less worthy.
I want to turn the wipers off. Let the rain roll right down the windows.

kiwi&strawberry

Harder to predict that the temperature.
Lime in the eyes of time.
Rosy red with regret.
The days pass by
While I'm still living my life.
With or with out
Eyes open to more than the clouded sky.
Gripping bricks older
Much stronger. Climbing.
Although tiring, inspiring.
It always leaves you further than before.
Above it all is where you will find me.

This Girl

I live a life of fairy tales. Dreaming dreams that should come true. I suppose it isn't completely made of fairy tales because sadly I am aware that not all dreams come true. To call it high expectations would be a mistake. I like to call it an extreme interpretation of life as I see it. I want all of the things I cannot have. To be a good judge of character. To have true friends. To live a life that disney movies would be jealous of.
In my world I expect very little from people. In "reality" I find myself disappointed too frequently. Standing still in a spinning room is harder than it sounds. The world hectic around me I try to grab people from inside the chaos and bring them into my lair of serenity. Disappointment is what happens when I realize that they were actually happy inside the spin cycle.
Always learning the hard way. Preferably this awakening would only have to happen once. If only my memory were less of a wreck. I would remember to look for the qualities in people that leave me in the position I am now.
As if friendship weren't hard enough. Who would have know that the older we get the harder it is to make true friends.
Let us drink to lessons learned.

who me?

I would love to see the world through your eyes. I'm afraid it wouldn't appear much different than it does on the surface.
What is most frustrating is to know that you really think you know it all. You sit all high and pretty thinking you know what is making the worlds clock tick. Let me tell you sir. You know just as little as your cohorts. You surround yourself with "good" people. In all reality they are just as dramatic and blind as you are. So closed off to the world. What is it you think you are learning? What is it you think these experiences will do for your life in the long run?
Sit around and do nothing. No one remembers a know it all. Except for the people who tried to know it all.
Shot down from the take off. What's done is done. So let's not pretend any words are left to be said.

look

The best and worst advice I ever received was in the form of a quotation. A very wise woman said it first and another wise woman passed it onto me.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." A mighty high place to put the bar if you ask me. In theory this should be the motto of every single woman. The world would be a much calmer place. The only problem is I'm not consenting to anything.

So why do I have this feeling in my gut. Like I just got punched hard from behind. The air taken from my lungs with a force I didn't know existed. In under 45 minutes my self esteem shattered. All at the hands of others.

So silly it is to have feelings visible enough to be hurt by others. A childish mistake I thought I was wise enough to avoid. Immaturity there to look me in the face once more. A cruel reminder that the direction I've been going is only taking me in circles.

I'm focusing on a quick fix. Something to hold me over until I get to some sort of plateau. In stead of growth I have forced myself back into old habits out of fear. The only question I have is how do I get back on track?

now

You thought it was about you before. Well then I guess I am on a roll.
Dancing through the drunken dramatics of the night. Spinning past parked cars. The streets pass like the years gone by.
The important questions always left unanswered. Nothing can be said to make it any better. So the tears fall without a witness. Only letting the sadness out through my fingertips. If ears were willing to hear, I could whisper words so crisp. So precise.
Yet night after night a void is left. Parked sitting and waiting. Perfect timing never arrives. Fading with the summer sky. Back again like clockwork. All I want are answers to questions I cant ask. I cant find the voice to speak the words.

This Girl

There have been more than a few occasions recently where I have really missed Clyde. Waking up in the morning isn't the same with nothing keeping your feet warm. Socks just don't cut it.
Clyde and I had an interesting friendship. From the outside it may have appeared as though I hated Clyde. This is just not the case. I just take a little while to warm up.

Let the truth be known. I loved Clyde. He is the only one that has ever really listened to me. Listened with no prejudice. He had no choice really, but he never stopped paying attention. No matter how many times I pushed him away. He always came back. He spoke with his actions. He just wanted to experience my love. No matter how many attempts at attaining this it took. He would always return. The bruised ego at the doorway.

Walking from the bus today I started to think about clyde. Excited to be alone in my house for just a moment. Sit down and take off my shoes in silence. All of the times I took his companionship for granted. These days, I would kill for Clyde to come running down the hall hearing my car pull up in the alley way. Walking up the stairs hearing his meow at the front door.
I would give everything to sit on the couch for hours and pet him. Spoon him from the evening into the afternoon. Lay in bed with him and a book on a rainy day. Play fetch with him while getting ready in the morning. He never gave up on me.

attention span

Day and night. I see shapes in the paint drips. I see future rips in the fabric of the foundation. I lie awake. Thinking is it me? Wondering if its me? Podering the fact it might just be me.

Randomly I will walk into the boldness of the light. Shortly before I fall back to the soft misshapen spot I was before. Just intime to mind myself in darkness. Outlining the shadows in my doorway.

We as people need to pay more attention to our hands. For how much they do we show them very little favor.

all

Sitting here on my cloud covered dream I see only stars. Shining so brightly above me. What I don't know is that the stars are all boiling. Hitting high notes that tempt even the most frugal of men. Temptation lie in those stars.
I fight hard against the thick of the mess. I am however unwillingly drawn to its fluorescence. The very being of me. Gone

in depth

Inside my head.
Inside my heart.
Inside is soul.
Overwhelming and out of control.
Taken over
Feeling it from my fingers
To my toes.
This will forever be all I know.

I've seen this place before
In your arms
All over the floor.
I can't seam to reach the doors.

For the time being
You and I.
We own the night.
From here until
Every other tuesday
For the rest of our lives.
I hold inside.
You are mine.

It doesn't make sense

What is rational about feeling. It cannot be described in words that don't sound childish. It is all so far from reality. As if it were created for that very purpose. In order to throw off our minds equilibrium.
Laying side by side. Your hand brushes agains my stomach and it is not words I think of. All I am is feelings. Tender nerve endings not void of heat. Everything awakened with my mind on mute. Leaving with questions that have no answers. All we know is falling to the floor. What happens now is unstoppable.
Knowing what it feels like to be alive. Not in words but in skin. In fingers and toes. If I close my eyes for just a moment. I can see it. I can hear it. I can almost feel it.

This golden dream is much but a dream left behind by skulls and crime. Abandoned lies from far behind the county lines. You say just what you need to, in order to sway to people in your way.
I saw the sky that day. You promised things would go our way. Now your panting. Begging for water. Covered in dirt. Followed by shame.
You never say quite what you mean. You cover up all but the truth. Leaving behind leads to make me to believe enough to trust all my money in you.
Gold doesn't kill the love that we have, but i would be a fool to wait around for just you. I'm not getting any younger and the children that we have will grow weary of your absence. All we have now is the hope for a future. Void of a father full of lies.

Really

I wish I had more important things to say than just whats on my mind. This is really just an extension of my facebook page. What is on my mind from time to time. Of all the opinions I have i feel that none are important enough to devote a whole story board surrounding what it is I think. So why the guilt?
I am just writing things as I see them in my mind. Struggling to see what it is that makes this a relevant part of living. Human experience.
Daily I see so many people and I bet a lot of them are going through some sort of life crisis they feel is relevant. They matter. But all we are is ego. We search and search to try and make ourselves happy. There is never an end to the exploitation of joy. I think the goal should be just to feel. Feel something. Anything. As long as it is real. Really.
What else are we living for? Money. The dirtiest thing we touch on a daily basis. Success. We all just want to leave a mark. Someone to remember our names. Our story. Love. Comes and goes. We get lucky if it sticks around.
Im going to drink my beer. Waste my money. Love my boy. Learn as much as possible. Have fun. See new things and write it all down. For all 5 of you to see.....Who am I kidding. ONE. Maybe one and a half.

Living on the fumes

Spilling my guts behind the doors of this rolling metal distraction. Trapped inside this moving, living, breathing death trap. Soon the value of my words will have the same diminishing value. The longer you keep me the less control I have. Realizing more and more the vulnerability I have resting upon my shoulders. The guilt is just a reminder that I will never know the real answer. Keep it all together. It is still waiting to come falling down. The spark that lit the fire is bound to run out. Trying to keep the wick alive is just avoiding the inevitable.
Flickers of gold and blue. The chewing has began to plug my ears. The familiar sound of fire is drown out but the noise in my mind telling me how easy it could be. You are never really going to be mine. If I give in. Whole body mind and soul you are in control. Holding me by tiny threads between your fingers. Either you hold on tight or let me plummet through the sky to my untimely crash.
At trade in value I am worth the cost of a 1000 miles. Time spent following the map when needed and throwing caution to the wind.
Here is to hoping we only get lost together.

today

"I got static in my head
⁠ The reflected sound of everything
⁠ Tried to go to where it led
⁠ But it didn't lead to anything
⁠ The noise is coming out
⁠ And if it's not out now
⁠ I know it's just about
⁠ To drown tomorrow out"
The relevance of this to daily life is undeniable. Recent disfigurment excluded. Too much noise, and not enough of it speaks in volumes I'm able to decipher. Thank you elliott once again for helping a girl figure some shit out.

Baby, just you and I.

I picture you standing in the rain chain smoking. Listening to Bill Withers singing Aint No sunshine. Helpless. Pitiful. Wet. The core of why you are in this predicament is because you miss me. I am only gone for the night. Knowing that we don't get to sleep in the same bed. Wake up next to each other. Warm morning breath on your nose.
That, I am pained to say is just not reality.
I picture you walking in the door. Hanging your coat and tie for the day. Walking into the house, excited by the scents of fresh baked cobbler and roasted garlic. Me in my pearls and heels. Surprised to see you home so early. You dip me and we kiss while Ingrid Lucia Sings stars fell on alabama faintly from the record player.
This dream my dear is 50 years too late.
Our reality is nothing close to this. How I wish we could be apart of my day dreams. Twirling around a dance floor. Drinking martini's to big band music. In my day dreams we have the perfect lives. We sit and play music all day. We have just enough time for leisure. We never work too hard.
As different as our lives are from my day dreams I know that you and I together can take on the world. We are creating our future day by day. Its filled with love and passion and the strength of one thousand men. Together forever, we will always have our memories and young hopes.

Lost

You haven't created any space for me. Forgotten with the items you left behind. So these cupboards are locked. The key is hidden and you wont be finding it anytime soon. Only I know where it will be.
Foot soldiers stand between us. One looks me in the face. Braking concentration I lose focus of you for just a moment. Off balance you see me falling and tower over me telling me to get to my feet. So brash and stern. I feel this is not concern for me but for your own guilty conscience. The gap has become too much.

join the club

I don't know who to be when you are telling me not to be me. I am stuck in a swirl of wants and needs. The dust can't stop spinning until you let me sit this one out. I know I'm not the only one who feels lost and forgotten. It is just hard to remember other people when I'm alone in this room.
The days and nights don't bring me much rest. The site of my face in the mirror just tears it all apart. I could lay in bed all day but who would be here to notice.
If what's worse is that I'm feeling sorry for myself then that's just fine. I'd rather be stuck with that than knowing what you really think about me.
I see the ones. The one you try not to look at. So put together standing up straight. You love me most but some days you wish I was just that way. Secure and smart. Towering over my insecurity with confidence in my hand. Its just so hard to think I'm fine when there's always something on the list that needs to be improved.
If you want me to change then you might as well just leave me now. I might just change but I am never going to be who you want me to be.

You guy you.

Feeling a little lost in the future. it becomes so tiring when the only familiar face you can see is the one staring back at you. It is easy getting used to the un-simplified life. Everything you have ever wanted. Out in the open. Accepted and damn near free. With the progress of life so much is left behind. Abandoned and left out with the trash.
Moving on is hard to do, but what is sitting inside will never change. The heart doesn't fade with the changing of generations. It grows stronger. Kid, you have got some heart.
If you could see the future what fun would that be? Take satisfaction in the fact that it will never let you down. If you do not see what you want then create it. In the process you will find the people true to you.
You have what so many people search for their entire lives. You know exactly who you are. You know what you want. Maybe the details are a little fuzzy. Life wouldn't be fun without a little spontaneity.

therapy

Warm with anger. Toes tingling trapped in shoes. To run through the sand. Bare feet on the beach. That is what calms the waves of heat. Cooling from within the very core of the problem. It is not you that brings me anger. It is the ability for myself to be displayed so openly as a target of misguided anger. Do I blame your silly fits of rage? I do not. Do I blame myself for saying the things I say? I do not.
Desperate and willing to befriend anyone. Molding to all as water does. Making room. Allowing no water to spill from the cup because the cup was only half full. Allowing so many things to fall into the water that its about to overflow. Spilling the contents little by little. Eventually it will all dry up. Evaporating into the air. Disappearing.
It is gone with the joy. The childlike wonder and excitement. The hardest part is who to blame. Is it you or is it me?
Little by little you're crushing souls. Isn't that what you want. For everyone to know how insignificant they are compared to you? I don't get you. I don't want to try and understand because I do not want to feel sympathy for you anymore. You hate yourself and your life so you take it out on other people. I will be your friend no longer.

Why?

I guess I understand to a point. People believe that feminism is dead. Why? Is it dead because they are just tired of hearing about it?
I get it. I mean, at least I pretend I do. I just firmly believe that women have a lot to fight for. I think that we need to be empowered. People hear the word feminism and they cringe. WHY?
We need to feel like we have the ability to be independent. I have been lucky enough to grow up feeling this sort of empowerment.
I wouldn't really consider myself "lucky" considering I grew up in a single parent household. However, My mother was an extremely strong influence. It is important to be willing and able to take care of yourself as an independent person. When a man lives alone in a house full of other men it is called a bachelor pad. What is it called when a woman lives alone in a house full of other women?
I think people are scared of feminism. I think they just don't know how to react. They don't know how to respond to these claims of inequality. Neither do I.
I know that I want to feel empowered. I seek out these words of empowerment. I read feminist based magazines. I am a regular to feminist based websites.
What about girls who don't know where to find these encouraging words? What about them? Are we expected to just leave them behind?
All I know is that I am brought to shame any time I bring feminism up in conversation. With males or females. I am made to feel as if I am talking about the same movies everyone has been talking about for months. Except no one is talking about this. No one is talking about feminism.
They are just too scared.
Because it is just too much. It is just too lame. People just say "Oh! Oh no! Feminism! Why?"
On the other side of the fence I don't think that any woman should be made to feel bad about wanting a "simple" life. There is nothing un-empowering about being a mother or a wife. It is a severe misjudgment that feminists are against those ideals. The fight is over choice. It is over equality of the genders. Emotional equality, social equality and political equality. Men and women together.
In all reality i think that people just cant handle it. They don't really know what to say.

My Skin is hot

I just want to lay here with you and watch the wind blow. Together in the sun. Can we enjoy it while its up and embrace the clouds as the night sky come rushing by. I think it is telling us it's time to walk home. Time passes by so quickly. I just want it to stop. Slowly but surely I am erasing the idea from my mind. Time that is. Time that is not.

Let's sit and watch the flowers grow. It will feel slow at first but I assure you it will be worth it in the end. See them blossom in to buds of orange and red. All from seeds covered by dirt. Ill lay this blanket down and it can be our shelter. This blanket can be all we need.

I want to watch the stars fall from the sky. All day and all night.

10 minutes too far.

I would paint you a picture of one million hearts. They would join together in a sea of red. After a while the lines would begin to blur and we would start to make new shapes from the shapes of hearts. It would become a sea. Filled with squid and urchin and heart shaped fish. We would swim all day and wake up washed upon the shores of the bay.
Walking in sand our foot print trails become one set of feet. When one begins to end they merge and meet. The sizes somewhere in between.
Through so many things you have carried me. Woken up on the shore. Looking around seeing nothing but clouds and fog. There. Over there, you always were. For this I am weak. The branches of my tree and squeaking. Creaking and cracking. Swaying in the wind falling lightly to the sand.
Sitting up legs crossed, to brace the ache of being separated. Hours are all that have passed and yet I am in a frenzy. I long for your warmth. I want to be wrapped in the hearts of your arms. 10,000 feet beneath you sea.
I will paint and paint. Attempting only to somehow convey the love I feel daily. As the colors blur and the lines connect to different points I am submerged. As your water fills my lungs I am saved. Forever waiting for your embrace. Rushing towards me in waves of one million hearts.
Always yours. Only yours. Forever yours.

im broke

Your strength is forgotten. your hope has fallen by the waist side and your hope is shattered into shards of glass. Why has it always been so easy to forget the past. This one time is stinking out like yellow in a pasture of black.
The freckles on your arm tense in pain. You fall to your knees and the future has been decided. Regardless of how time changes things. This series of events will never go unnoticed.
You scream and cry with all your mite but this just could end up your very last fight. Tonight is going to be the last memory you have of one another.
You have technology to thank for this. The rapid transit of love lost. What once brought two together will tear them apart. Its no longer an age lost in the dark.

family

Its so easy to forget. Pretend like it never happened. It didn't exist.
Cheeks flushed. The beginnings of rosebuds. Water dripping down the petals.
Sitting down is even harder when you can't release the air that is trapped inside your lungs. At any moment it will be forced from my chest. Gasps and screams. They kill the silence. The funny thing is that its always silent.
I've ended up pretty lucky. I don't know how it happened. Maybe because so much has happened. From what was the beginning for me things have gone the opposite of how anyone ever would have thought.
I could tell you all of my horror stories. You wouldn't believe most of them. They just aren't necessary. I wouldn't be me without those things. I wouldn't have the love I have without the pain I have. Daily. Insecurity. Irrationality. Individuality.
I always wanted to be the same because I really was different. Now I'm just fine.

for what its worth.

I can't help but feel as if we are all blind. Fear is not the answer. Knowledge is the answer. Its so simple. Just open your eyes. Do something.
Anything.
Its hard for me to want to lead this normal life. Have kids and a house and all the things that would help me accomplish normalcy. I just don't see a reason in repopulating the planet when there could easily be no planet left.
People don't see what is capable of happening in the future because they are unaware of what happened in the past.
Just because it was 50 years ago doesn't mean its worth forgetting. People in the 60s cared so much about the future because they saw how wonderful life could be. They saw how beautiful the world could be. Power started with the people. It has so quickly been taken away. Maybe it has been given away. Due to our lack of concern.

bleh. a word i use often.

I just want to find something for me. I'm okay being lonely because I know its just a weakness. A temporary feeling of insecurity. Feeling alone. I know that when it comes down to it, I have friends. I have people that love me. I know who I am.
I just want to work at a place with people like me. I have tattoos. I like to make people smile. I like to make people happy.
Work is where you spend most of your life. If you don't work with people you like then its like willingly choosing to spend your time with ass holes. The only difference is you get paid. I'm not sure what is worse. I'm just tired of feeling like these people are laughing at me. I am trying my best to socialize and make friends. NO BODY GIVES A SHIT! They have got all of the friends they need. I'm just another bitch that they have to hang out with.
Not by choice.
This experience is so strange. I didn't expect to like this. I do. Do these people like me? Maybe, they don't really seam like it.
Maybe I'm just boring. They don't see me as someone with something to offer them. I just feel like I am in high school again. I hated high school. I'm pretty sure that if I went back now I would still hate it. I'm 22. Every single day I get older. I'm getting too old for this crap. Daily. So many cliches come to mind. So many lines from pop-punk songs. Running through my mind. When shuffle surprises me i get nervous. Discomfort all around. I feel just as uncomfortable as i did at 13. How and why is this possible.

just wondering

Its the rejection that's driving me to drink. Its the uncertainty that is steering me in this direction. The competition. Its hard for me to comprehend. Among many other things holding me back. Inside feels hallow and devoid of pain reception. Its just not getting through to me. So dense upstairs.
From the start of the maze I've been lost. Being lost isn't as bothersome as one would predict. Until the facts set in. Dangling from a tree I've forgotten where I've been, until my arms begin to tire. Jumping to the ground I find my way by accident. I stumble upon fortunate finding.
Are they meant to be mine. Left for me to stumble upon. It could just be an indicator that a little effort would merit even more fortunate findings. However, it is like I have forgotten how to be ambitious. How to succeed. I want so badly to find this urge once again.
If I could just simply stumble upon it...

our glass

I keep drinking this wine to pass my time. No matter how much I drink, my hands still shake. My body still aches with feelings for you. I tried to turn around, but all I found were empty boxes and brand new locks.
I can't escape the day to find the night. Here in this room I fight the day light. I cover my head. Pretend I'm still asleep. I lie alone and convince myself you're coming home.
You walk away and I stay here waiting. You walk through the door and I'm stuck anticipating. I wait in fear that the end is near. But when the book's finished it always starts over. Our love is always under cover. I'm still here stuck with the fear, because the future is unclear.
I see your face and I'm still amazed that our love has made it just this far. I reach for you in the dark. Although it is still too soon I feel your heat against mine and I know the time has come to make amends. Its just not the end. So for here and now. I wait it out! I wait for the word of mouth to reach the house, where our love is locked up. Safe in the room I stuck it. Beside the shelf. I put the wine.

today.

I woke up too early. 4am to be exact. I drove three hours to gather all of my belongings and transport them here. To my new city. Leaving feels like a life jacket made of bricks. I get nervous. I forget my directions. I feel lost. I have no confidence in myself or my driving skills. Regardless of the fact that I've made this drive at least 100 times.
The drive went quickly, despite the anxiety. I drank way too much coffee and showed up just on time to pick up the U- haul, but an hour late for my hair appointment.
The temperature quickly hits the hundreds and I realize we don't have everything as "together" as I remembered.
Bringing out lives into the city took us 5 hours instead of 3.
I let a woman in front of me for the toll and she pays mine. I have no words to express the gratitude I felt. It was like the first time a handsome man opened a door for me. Pulled out a chair. Or when people let you ahead of them in the grocery line.
Prop 8 was over-turned.
I got horribly lost in SF. Wound up in north beach. Ended up taking the route that got us lost to get back home.
Had my first San Francisco anxiety attack. Double vision and all. Laying here. In my bed. A mess among cardboard wreckage I am so happy. Today was a whirlwind welcome from the city that is now my home.
Today was a day. The best and worst day.

mix tapes

Going through my playlists I find so many seasonal mixes. I have a summer, fall and spring(valentines) mix. Among these mixes I have ridiculous amounts of on-the-go mixes. Just for fun. Just to lighten the mood. I have on-the-go's for muni. For a good day at work. To make it through the day. For a long walk. For the drive back home. You name it I've most likely made a mix for it. I make mixes. Its what I like to do.
My valentines mix is the most interesting.
The best way to make a mix about love is by just using songs with the word "love" in the title. Any other way just becomes confusing. There are just too many kinds of love. I do have a few favorite "love" songs though.
First for the mix:
1)Brand new colony-the postal service. For shiney. This is her favorite love song. For that reason I love it.
2)Don't let it fade-sundays best. I think I just like the title.
3)True love way-kings of leon.
4)For me this is heaven-jimmy eat world. Clarity is the most nostalgic album for me as far as young love is considered.
5)Orange shirt-discovery. The lyrics just remind me of all young relationships. Desperation and stupidity.
6)From-dr.dog- seriously "oh my love. Don't you leave me.because I don't want to learn how to die" enough said. Geez.
7)Ageless beauty-stars. From the remix album. It is once again a shine influenced pick. This girl stays true to her best friend. :)
8)The way you look tonight-frank sinatra. What is not to love. This song comes on and swoon. I have no words. My face turns hott and its over. Done and done.
9)Us-regina spektor.
10)You are-paramore. I love new found glory and shai hullud and I've seen this girls boobs. This song is cute.
11)Rain king-counting crows. I love love love this song.
12)Easy girl-coconut records
13)Clavicle-alkaline trio. Duh!
14)Criteria-the life. <3
15)Real love-twilight singers. Its a classic.
16)Sunday kind of love-Etta James. One of my favorites.
Last but obviously not least. This song gives me chills.
17)I want you-Bob Dylan.
Ah sweet love <3

driving in the dark

From here it starts. Tonight is the first of the rest of our lives. so let's drive away from here. Just the two of us. Forget where we're from. Forget where we are supposed to be.
From this point on, it can be just you and me. It just takes one word. Just look me in the eyes and tell me I'm right. Tell me not what I want to hear, but what we both know is true.
It can be just me and you. So let's just drive away. Into the night. Tonight can be the first of the rest of our lives. It starts here. It starts right now.
Put your hand in mine. Don't look back. Its our turn. Its our time.

maybe next time.

I found you in my nostalgia. Where were you when I was there. How is it possible that it didn't bring us together. Its funny that here you are in front of me and I can't reach you. I find comfort in who you are but I'm not sure if its out of yearning or loneliness. Or even out of greed.
Here you are. Perfect even with your faults and yet we are too many worlds apart. I want so badly to be where you are. So why isn't it just that easy. It should be simple. The simplest mathematics put us as one. So why are all of these fractions pushing us farther and farther apart.
All I want is you. I dream about you every night. I have a feeling we are one in the same. But I am curious. It could be so many things. But I feel it. I feel it in my fingers. In my cheeks.
I want to know everything. I want to hear all of your stories. Your memories. I want to lay next you. I want you to feel the same way. I want us to make this choice and run away.

The fitting room

Its a funny thing.
Trying on clothes that is. It is amazing how depressing something so simple can be. It starts out innocent enough.
I pick it up. Turn it around. Look at the washing directions and the material. I stay away from dry clean only things. For the most part, I try to stick with cotton and other blends that breath and don't fall apart after a few washes.
If it meets my criteria it becomes inevitable. I have to make the journey. For me this journey usually ends in humiliation of some sort. Unless I am trying on sweat pants or sweatshirts. I do look great in a crew neck cotton sweater, let me tell you. I think that is where the line is drawn.
I have no idea what the problem is. I'm average height and weight. I have a small waist. Proportionate hip, butt, thigh ration. Regular sized boobs. In my opinion I'm average. I feel like clothes should be made to fit girls like me. I have normal curves. Maybe a little extra love to handle, but that's not uncommon. I just don't understand.
Trying on clothes shouldn't send me into an emotional downward spiral. However, 9 out of 10 times it does.
Do they even use women for models these days? I feel like they use little boys. Maybe they put bras on them just to emulate boobs.
All I know is that I'm standing underground waiting too long for a train and I am mad. Just plum mad. Buying clothes shouldn't be this hard. So why is it.
Why are these textiles being made is surplus when they do not fit the average girl. Who is going to buy them? It just isn't realistic.
If you want people to buy your products, them make them for the people. Its foolish not to.
I may be biased. If I am so be it. All I know is I am not dropping 10 lbs and eating hardly anything to be able to fit into clothing that is too highly priced and poorly made.
So fuck it.

I don't want to resent you. It feels as though it has already started. It has began to seep in through the cracks. When things look up it will not be upon your head.
In due time. Because it is all there is. Inside I feel this time. It creates the rift. Too many years. Too many words.
Just as we are one we are separate.

The journey is so hard for you to understand because it is not yours. You and I are not the same. Despite all that we do share, this has to be different. I just want you by my side. I want you to have faith in my heart. Have faith that I will make it to where you are. Not up there but over there. I want my companion back. By my side. Not as a guide but as a match. The other glove. Hand in hand.
Know that time is the enemy. It does not exist. When it does we are done.

you can't fake brains doll

She speaks without thinking. Thinks with no reason. She believes so little in herself, and with due cause. Its kind of funny to observe. It seems as though the point is to make people laugh. However, I can see past this. If only good intentions were enough. Some people think its a choice.
Too little before creation is not. Certain qualities do not come easy. No amount of currency could buy the knowledge she is lacking. She will try. She will roll and pine. over the one thing she has always wanted.
One thing that only dreams bring. One thing never within grasp.
Take this entry for example. Look at the lack of vocabulary. Look at the poor sentence structure. Look at the lack of originality. Its lacking everything. Senseless words from a silly simple sap.
It is written all over the face of this silly girl. She knows so little.

Dear You

I am beginning to believe that this is just too far. The miles are long enough in length to keep us separated for months. My heart is growing weak with every hour we have between us.
The ocean does not separate us. The sun rises and falls just the same. Yet, I am without you.
All of you. Too many. I find it hard to think of each one daily. In seven days time I have. Crossing my mind in waves of memories. Hitting nostalgic notes of love and hope and fun.

I am more the spectator

I have recently come to the conclusion that I am just not very good at sports. I will walk a trail like nobody's business, but put a baseball in my hand and Someone will get hurt. Usually myself.
Seriously. I think this is okay. However, having friends that really like playing sports makes this a little less acceptable. I will try. I will stand in the field and yell profanities when balls come my way. My lack of skill will end up making the game less fun.
I am glad I am included. My friends are very nice. Let me sit this one out.
Being a kid I always thought I was supposed to like sports. I wasn't pretty. I liked dirt. Match made in heaven right? Problem is I am clumsy. I am Awkward. I like to read.
I'm not making the argument that people who like sports don't like to read. I am sure they do. What I know is that I don't. This should not be big deal. I will make a sign. I will cover it in glitter and be your biggest fan. For the sake of everyone, I think I am going to sit this one out.
Conclusion: I really need to make some girl friends here in the city. SOON!

in the room

Your compassion is endless and overwhelming. Similar to the feelings it bestows upon me. Yet, it intrigues me. You don't listen, but you are so delightful to converse with. You are genuinely supportive to every person close to a friend. You bring happy into all realms of reality. You are so back and fourth. Confused and enlightened. You wouldn't hurt a fly. Being as that you have been the fly too many times. You think so much that it becomes too much. Every single thing you do, you have me on mind.
The only reason I live and breath. Hello my ocean. Hello my city.

Today

Sitting in dirt. Rolling in the debris. Holding a beer with both hands. Dirty nails, bitten down revealing cracks and bloody scabs. Leggings and stained tube socks.
What has become of the truth I knew before.
Its so hard to remember, when I can barely see your face. I need the water in my lungs. It brings the comfort of knowing i'm not alone. There are people that know. Inside and out. Who can I be without what was.
The feelings are fragile. The fish bowl glass is cracking and the exits are full.
What is left feels weak. The feet left bleeding from carrying the weight. Give me some air. Some space is all I need. Give me a weak. Give me a shallow whole.

Pride part 2

My eyes have set sight upon many a drunk in my time. Never like this. Never in this quantity. I cannot help but feel like I have been attacked with a case of the "overwhelmed".
Walking around these past few nights I felt as if I were stepping on the toes of thousands upon thousands of gays everywhere. The support is in my heart, but the rest of me feels a little out of the loop.
The easiest way to explain the feeling is fraudulent. The crowds don't make the anxiety any lighter.
In theory I would enjoy Pride weekend. In reality, I have never stepped in that much puke. All in one night. People fighting. Drunk and crying. Dressed in the 9's, but falling on the ground.
I love you all, but a book and a blanket is more my scene. :)
BRIGHT SIDE!
Greg Ashley? Our Friend Mitch took us to see him at a bar/venue in the mission and it was great. Tonight is the devil whale and I am excited.

pride

Walking around every day, I feel like a child. I see so many things with wonder and amazement. I am simply enchanted. Walking by the gap of all places brought tears to my eyes. I crinkled my nose with happiness. T-shirts arranged in the order of the rainbow.
All around there are rainbow flags. In doorways. From roof tops. In windows. Hanging from the tops of the tallest buildings. It is incredible to be surrounded by this much love and acceptance.

I have no idea what it is like to be in those shoes. My shoes feel pretty heavy; however the weight is no comparison. Though, I feel enclosed. Things seem to be moving. A change in pace would be nice, but I'm not greedy.

Here's to hoping the weekend brings great things.

Phoenix - Lisztomania (Unofficial Video)

Sitting in this chair. Feeling sorry for myself. This video is all i wanted to see. Even though it took me more than 15 minutes and I had to textually run to my technological guru, it was worth the wait.

The majority of my panic attacks can be soothed by watching the video of The Arcade Fire playing Neon Bible in an elevator. However today that was just not the case.

Briefly: A High School classmate, who was partially responsible for many tears shed ages 16-17 decided to try and be a part of my social network. Silly, I am aware. BUT REALLY? I am okay, now. However this person did not make my awkward teenage years any more enjoyable. Now that you mention it she actually made them horrible. Words were thrown around like bras at a rolling stones concert.

Playing the victim? Yes I am indeed. Point is, I wish High School could have been like Pretty in Pink or The Breakfast Club. Even though it wasn't and it will most likely never be. I am going to pretend that it was. It is the only thing keeping me from being bitter and vulnerable.
So hopefully you like this video as much as i do. Now someone please get me a bloody may!

sit down!

It is here right now. I am here and I am home. Looking around I see air, and smell the scent of lovely nastalgia.
I walk outside and my feet know the directions of the places I need to be.

Its here right now I look at the surrounding buildings and think about ways to escape the Z.A. I think about things like, Jumping across buildings to evade them. (The zombies that is). Eventually hoping to make it to the bay. Upon making it to my destination I would motor boat my way the heck out of there!

But seriously, is that normal? I feel at home! Thinking about flesh eating monsters chasing me. I feel happy. Having no best friend. Having no familiar faces? This is the most uncomfortable thing I have ever experienced. Yet, I keep having these little moments of bliss.

It is here. I feel like I'm suffocauting. But it is okay. This is something that will pass along like all the others. Why?

In your living room

Sitting in the green chair by the window was the first place I noticed. The look on her face was something so familiar. Yet, it was all her own. Her eyes in their swollen entity spilled the truth all over the bridge of her nose. Her hands were the disconnected circle.
It was missing something to link her to the rest of the people in the room. The hollow space inside told no lies and made nothing of promises.
Everything she had done, coming to a close.
Closing doors do very little to protect the future from the inevitable. Someone was bound to notice.

fireman

Living here for 10 years really only felt like 5. It's a funny thing thinking you're grown up and then figuring out you aren't. I fooled myself into maturity. I slipped on by undetected. There are a few perks to living life invisibly. Few noticed long enough to get really stuck. The lucky stuck ones have yet to figure it out. And the ones that do figure it out and still get stuck, want to be.
To some the accommodations are worth the hassle. Worth the separation.
Being outside of

A Lot

In a matter of months we have almost made this day terror of a dream, a nerve-wracking reality. We have been saving like crazy, splurging only on last minute road trips, and many fruitless city visits. Despite all of the procrastinator tendencies, I have never been more sure about anything.
So sure in fact that I only tried to talk myself out of it once. Incredible progress if you ask me.
Regardless, I am excited. The only hesitation I have is feeling like once I arrive I wont miss Redding. I am so scared that I will leave and be okay with never coming back. I know I will indeed end up paying more than a few visits, but the feeling of indifference sends a cold shiver down my spine.
All I can do is wait and see, I feel that actually leaving would be the first step. We will just see what the next few weeks brings us. Nerves, unbelievable nerves.

The start

The trip seamed to be winding down. On our way home and it felt incomplete. There was still something else that needed to be done. Getting there could be difficult considering it had the possibility to make or break the entire adventure. The city we had thought we could escape.
The city that spits us out either dazed or broken. We had planned on making a little stop on the way, but somehow made our way past it. We did this by making as many stops as possible prior to passing, and the longest route in the farthest direction. Those two combined are very helpful tools while playing the avoidance game.
We could have traveled by train or airplane and still found a way to make a stop there on the way home. The pizza alone makes the stop worth it. Some of my fondest memories have been made in the mist of the bay. The best bay that is.
Thoughts of moving to the bay have been on my mind since the day I stepped foot on its magical,grimy, misty soil. But there are so many reasons not to. Reasons involving more than just love, money, and sanity.
But driving by the water in his jacket. Smelling the ocean. Breathing in its' air. Every bone in my body whispered to my muscles and skin a word that melted my marrow to pure aching fluids that forced my body to give in. Give in to the go. Give in to the life. Give into growth. Give in to the possibility of what is and what will be.