What is rational about feeling. It cannot be described in words that don't sound childish. It is all so far from reality. As if it were created for that very purpose. In order to throw off our minds equilibrium.
Laying side by side. Your hand brushes agains my stomach and it is not words I think of. All I am is feelings. Tender nerve endings not void of heat. Everything awakened with my mind on mute. Leaving with questions that have no answers. All we know is falling to the floor. What happens now is unstoppable.
Knowing what it feels like to be alive. Not in words but in skin. In fingers and toes. If I close my eyes for just a moment. I can see it. I can hear it. I can almost feel it.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
This golden dream is much but a dream left behind by skulls and crime. Abandoned lies from far behind the county lines. You say just what you need to, in order to sway to people in your way.
I saw the sky that day. You promised things would go our way. Now your panting. Begging for water. Covered in dirt. Followed by shame.
You never say quite what you mean. You cover up all but the truth. Leaving behind leads to make me to believe enough to trust all my money in you.
Gold doesn't kill the love that we have, but i would be a fool to wait around for just you. I'm not getting any younger and the children that we have will grow weary of your absence. All we have now is the hope for a future. Void of a father full of lies.
I saw the sky that day. You promised things would go our way. Now your panting. Begging for water. Covered in dirt. Followed by shame.
You never say quite what you mean. You cover up all but the truth. Leaving behind leads to make me to believe enough to trust all my money in you.
Gold doesn't kill the love that we have, but i would be a fool to wait around for just you. I'm not getting any younger and the children that we have will grow weary of your absence. All we have now is the hope for a future. Void of a father full of lies.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Really
I wish I had more important things to say than just whats on my mind. This is really just an extension of my facebook page. What is on my mind from time to time. Of all the opinions I have i feel that none are important enough to devote a whole story board surrounding what it is I think. So why the guilt?
I am just writing things as I see them in my mind. Struggling to see what it is that makes this a relevant part of living. Human experience.
Daily I see so many people and I bet a lot of them are going through some sort of life crisis they feel is relevant. They matter. But all we are is ego. We search and search to try and make ourselves happy. There is never an end to the exploitation of joy. I think the goal should be just to feel. Feel something. Anything. As long as it is real. Really.
What else are we living for? Money. The dirtiest thing we touch on a daily basis. Success. We all just want to leave a mark. Someone to remember our names. Our story. Love. Comes and goes. We get lucky if it sticks around.
Im going to drink my beer. Waste my money. Love my boy. Learn as much as possible. Have fun. See new things and write it all down. For all 5 of you to see.....Who am I kidding. ONE. Maybe one and a half.
I am just writing things as I see them in my mind. Struggling to see what it is that makes this a relevant part of living. Human experience.
Daily I see so many people and I bet a lot of them are going through some sort of life crisis they feel is relevant. They matter. But all we are is ego. We search and search to try and make ourselves happy. There is never an end to the exploitation of joy. I think the goal should be just to feel. Feel something. Anything. As long as it is real. Really.
What else are we living for? Money. The dirtiest thing we touch on a daily basis. Success. We all just want to leave a mark. Someone to remember our names. Our story. Love. Comes and goes. We get lucky if it sticks around.
Im going to drink my beer. Waste my money. Love my boy. Learn as much as possible. Have fun. See new things and write it all down. For all 5 of you to see.....Who am I kidding. ONE. Maybe one and a half.
Living on the fumes
Spilling my guts behind the doors of this rolling metal distraction. Trapped inside this moving, living, breathing death trap. Soon the value of my words will have the same diminishing value. The longer you keep me the less control I have. Realizing more and more the vulnerability I have resting upon my shoulders. The guilt is just a reminder that I will never know the real answer. Keep it all together. It is still waiting to come falling down. The spark that lit the fire is bound to run out. Trying to keep the wick alive is just avoiding the inevitable.
Flickers of gold and blue. The chewing has began to plug my ears. The familiar sound of fire is drown out but the noise in my mind telling me how easy it could be. You are never really going to be mine. If I give in. Whole body mind and soul you are in control. Holding me by tiny threads between your fingers. Either you hold on tight or let me plummet through the sky to my untimely crash.
At trade in value I am worth the cost of a 1000 miles. Time spent following the map when needed and throwing caution to the wind.
Here is to hoping we only get lost together.
Flickers of gold and blue. The chewing has began to plug my ears. The familiar sound of fire is drown out but the noise in my mind telling me how easy it could be. You are never really going to be mine. If I give in. Whole body mind and soul you are in control. Holding me by tiny threads between your fingers. Either you hold on tight or let me plummet through the sky to my untimely crash.
At trade in value I am worth the cost of a 1000 miles. Time spent following the map when needed and throwing caution to the wind.
Here is to hoping we only get lost together.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
today
"I got static in my head
The reflected sound of everything
Tried to go to where it led
But it didn't lead to anything
The noise is coming out
And if it's not out now
I know it's just about
To drown tomorrow out"
The relevance of this to daily life is undeniable. Recent disfigurment excluded. Too much noise, and not enough of it speaks in volumes I'm able to decipher. Thank you elliott once again for helping a girl figure some shit out.
The reflected sound of everything
Tried to go to where it led
But it didn't lead to anything
The noise is coming out
And if it's not out now
I know it's just about
To drown tomorrow out"
The relevance of this to daily life is undeniable. Recent disfigurment excluded. Too much noise, and not enough of it speaks in volumes I'm able to decipher. Thank you elliott once again for helping a girl figure some shit out.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Baby, just you and I.
I picture you standing in the rain chain smoking. Listening to Bill Withers singing Aint No sunshine. Helpless. Pitiful. Wet. The core of why you are in this predicament is because you miss me. I am only gone for the night. Knowing that we don't get to sleep in the same bed. Wake up next to each other. Warm morning breath on your nose.
That, I am pained to say is just not reality.
I picture you walking in the door. Hanging your coat and tie for the day. Walking into the house, excited by the scents of fresh baked cobbler and roasted garlic. Me in my pearls and heels. Surprised to see you home so early. You dip me and we kiss while Ingrid Lucia Sings stars fell on alabama faintly from the record player.
This dream my dear is 50 years too late.
Our reality is nothing close to this. How I wish we could be apart of my day dreams. Twirling around a dance floor. Drinking martini's to big band music. In my day dreams we have the perfect lives. We sit and play music all day. We have just enough time for leisure. We never work too hard.
As different as our lives are from my day dreams I know that you and I together can take on the world. We are creating our future day by day. Its filled with love and passion and the strength of one thousand men. Together forever, we will always have our memories and young hopes.
That, I am pained to say is just not reality.
I picture you walking in the door. Hanging your coat and tie for the day. Walking into the house, excited by the scents of fresh baked cobbler and roasted garlic. Me in my pearls and heels. Surprised to see you home so early. You dip me and we kiss while Ingrid Lucia Sings stars fell on alabama faintly from the record player.
This dream my dear is 50 years too late.
Our reality is nothing close to this. How I wish we could be apart of my day dreams. Twirling around a dance floor. Drinking martini's to big band music. In my day dreams we have the perfect lives. We sit and play music all day. We have just enough time for leisure. We never work too hard.
As different as our lives are from my day dreams I know that you and I together can take on the world. We are creating our future day by day. Its filled with love and passion and the strength of one thousand men. Together forever, we will always have our memories and young hopes.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Lost
You haven't created any space for me. Forgotten with the items you left behind. So these cupboards are locked. The key is hidden and you wont be finding it anytime soon. Only I know where it will be.
Foot soldiers stand between us. One looks me in the face. Braking concentration I lose focus of you for just a moment. Off balance you see me falling and tower over me telling me to get to my feet. So brash and stern. I feel this is not concern for me but for your own guilty conscience. The gap has become too much.
Foot soldiers stand between us. One looks me in the face. Braking concentration I lose focus of you for just a moment. Off balance you see me falling and tower over me telling me to get to my feet. So brash and stern. I feel this is not concern for me but for your own guilty conscience. The gap has become too much.
join the club
I don't know who to be when you are telling me not to be me. I am stuck in a swirl of wants and needs. The dust can't stop spinning until you let me sit this one out. I know I'm not the only one who feels lost and forgotten. It is just hard to remember other people when I'm alone in this room.
The days and nights don't bring me much rest. The site of my face in the mirror just tears it all apart. I could lay in bed all day but who would be here to notice.
If what's worse is that I'm feeling sorry for myself then that's just fine. I'd rather be stuck with that than knowing what you really think about me.
I see the ones. The one you try not to look at. So put together standing up straight. You love me most but some days you wish I was just that way. Secure and smart. Towering over my insecurity with confidence in my hand. Its just so hard to think I'm fine when there's always something on the list that needs to be improved.
If you want me to change then you might as well just leave me now. I might just change but I am never going to be who you want me to be.
The days and nights don't bring me much rest. The site of my face in the mirror just tears it all apart. I could lay in bed all day but who would be here to notice.
If what's worse is that I'm feeling sorry for myself then that's just fine. I'd rather be stuck with that than knowing what you really think about me.
I see the ones. The one you try not to look at. So put together standing up straight. You love me most but some days you wish I was just that way. Secure and smart. Towering over my insecurity with confidence in my hand. Its just so hard to think I'm fine when there's always something on the list that needs to be improved.
If you want me to change then you might as well just leave me now. I might just change but I am never going to be who you want me to be.
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