what is?

Colossal in shape.
Glacial in strength.
Falling down may chip off bits and pieces.
Alone at times.
Depths unpainted.
Primer in repair.
Holding the bulk of the weight.
Standing of its own height.
Incapable of measurement.
Invisible to the naked eye.
If sometimes finds itself misplaced.

Da Bai

On the bus. Exhausted and freezing, but this city is keeping me warm. For every moment of the day is an extreme of some sort. If something is far away it really far away. If they say its going to rain the skys are black and it rains all day. When it is hott it feels like the most intense heat wave the city has ever seen.
This city is dramatic. It is chaos. Contradictions everywhere.
It is what you want it to be. Right now I want it to be mine. All mine. Come to mama.

just in time

In my book the only thing worthy of fear is failure.
Now that there is nothing to obsess over I am scarred. Terrified. Anxious. There are only two options now.
Success or failure.
The past few months I have been filled stress that is completely irrelevant to my life. Worrying about things that don't matter. I have been working my entire life to get to this point. Here I am. Trying to avoid the future. Because it is horrifying.
There it lies. The big white envelope sitting in front of me and I can avoid it no longer.
I am half way there. One step closer to the only thing I have ever wanted. A college education. From this point on the learning will never stop.

raindrops on the windows

Things I most want to say.
They are the hardest to speak.
The words barely fit together in my mind.
Blinded by the weakness
Gripping flawed.
Slipping through.
Let the truth be known. Those who know, know it all. From the very peak to the depths of the valley. They deserve the full attention. Yet it is wasted. Patience deserved, given to less worthy.
I want to turn the wipers off. Let the rain roll right down the windows.

kiwi&strawberry

Harder to predict that the temperature.
Lime in the eyes of time.
Rosy red with regret.
The days pass by
While I'm still living my life.
With or with out
Eyes open to more than the clouded sky.
Gripping bricks older
Much stronger. Climbing.
Although tiring, inspiring.
It always leaves you further than before.
Above it all is where you will find me.

This Girl

I live a life of fairy tales. Dreaming dreams that should come true. I suppose it isn't completely made of fairy tales because sadly I am aware that not all dreams come true. To call it high expectations would be a mistake. I like to call it an extreme interpretation of life as I see it. I want all of the things I cannot have. To be a good judge of character. To have true friends. To live a life that disney movies would be jealous of.
In my world I expect very little from people. In "reality" I find myself disappointed too frequently. Standing still in a spinning room is harder than it sounds. The world hectic around me I try to grab people from inside the chaos and bring them into my lair of serenity. Disappointment is what happens when I realize that they were actually happy inside the spin cycle.
Always learning the hard way. Preferably this awakening would only have to happen once. If only my memory were less of a wreck. I would remember to look for the qualities in people that leave me in the position I am now.
As if friendship weren't hard enough. Who would have know that the older we get the harder it is to make true friends.
Let us drink to lessons learned.

who me?

I would love to see the world through your eyes. I'm afraid it wouldn't appear much different than it does on the surface.
What is most frustrating is to know that you really think you know it all. You sit all high and pretty thinking you know what is making the worlds clock tick. Let me tell you sir. You know just as little as your cohorts. You surround yourself with "good" people. In all reality they are just as dramatic and blind as you are. So closed off to the world. What is it you think you are learning? What is it you think these experiences will do for your life in the long run?
Sit around and do nothing. No one remembers a know it all. Except for the people who tried to know it all.
Shot down from the take off. What's done is done. So let's not pretend any words are left to be said.

look

The best and worst advice I ever received was in the form of a quotation. A very wise woman said it first and another wise woman passed it onto me.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." A mighty high place to put the bar if you ask me. In theory this should be the motto of every single woman. The world would be a much calmer place. The only problem is I'm not consenting to anything.

So why do I have this feeling in my gut. Like I just got punched hard from behind. The air taken from my lungs with a force I didn't know existed. In under 45 minutes my self esteem shattered. All at the hands of others.

So silly it is to have feelings visible enough to be hurt by others. A childish mistake I thought I was wise enough to avoid. Immaturity there to look me in the face once more. A cruel reminder that the direction I've been going is only taking me in circles.

I'm focusing on a quick fix. Something to hold me over until I get to some sort of plateau. In stead of growth I have forced myself back into old habits out of fear. The only question I have is how do I get back on track?

now

You thought it was about you before. Well then I guess I am on a roll.
Dancing through the drunken dramatics of the night. Spinning past parked cars. The streets pass like the years gone by.
The important questions always left unanswered. Nothing can be said to make it any better. So the tears fall without a witness. Only letting the sadness out through my fingertips. If ears were willing to hear, I could whisper words so crisp. So precise.
Yet night after night a void is left. Parked sitting and waiting. Perfect timing never arrives. Fading with the summer sky. Back again like clockwork. All I want are answers to questions I cant ask. I cant find the voice to speak the words.

This Girl

There have been more than a few occasions recently where I have really missed Clyde. Waking up in the morning isn't the same with nothing keeping your feet warm. Socks just don't cut it.
Clyde and I had an interesting friendship. From the outside it may have appeared as though I hated Clyde. This is just not the case. I just take a little while to warm up.

Let the truth be known. I loved Clyde. He is the only one that has ever really listened to me. Listened with no prejudice. He had no choice really, but he never stopped paying attention. No matter how many times I pushed him away. He always came back. He spoke with his actions. He just wanted to experience my love. No matter how many attempts at attaining this it took. He would always return. The bruised ego at the doorway.

Walking from the bus today I started to think about clyde. Excited to be alone in my house for just a moment. Sit down and take off my shoes in silence. All of the times I took his companionship for granted. These days, I would kill for Clyde to come running down the hall hearing my car pull up in the alley way. Walking up the stairs hearing his meow at the front door.
I would give everything to sit on the couch for hours and pet him. Spoon him from the evening into the afternoon. Lay in bed with him and a book on a rainy day. Play fetch with him while getting ready in the morning. He never gave up on me.

attention span

Day and night. I see shapes in the paint drips. I see future rips in the fabric of the foundation. I lie awake. Thinking is it me? Wondering if its me? Podering the fact it might just be me.

Randomly I will walk into the boldness of the light. Shortly before I fall back to the soft misshapen spot I was before. Just intime to mind myself in darkness. Outlining the shadows in my doorway.

We as people need to pay more attention to our hands. For how much they do we show them very little favor.

all

Sitting here on my cloud covered dream I see only stars. Shining so brightly above me. What I don't know is that the stars are all boiling. Hitting high notes that tempt even the most frugal of men. Temptation lie in those stars.
I fight hard against the thick of the mess. I am however unwillingly drawn to its fluorescence. The very being of me. Gone

in depth

Inside my head.
Inside my heart.
Inside is soul.
Overwhelming and out of control.
Taken over
Feeling it from my fingers
To my toes.
This will forever be all I know.

I've seen this place before
In your arms
All over the floor.
I can't seam to reach the doors.

For the time being
You and I.
We own the night.
From here until
Every other tuesday
For the rest of our lives.
I hold inside.
You are mine.