It was here.

I have heard the cliche "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" about as many times as any other living being around the age of 23. It has come to mind from time to time, but it is now where near my favorite of all the cliches.
I prefer Foot loose and fancy free.
Anyhow.
I have been a diligent student this entire semester. I have given up more than a few nights out in order to finish papers, read books; and I have had nothing but sexual politics and popular 20th century american culture on my mind for months. Now I am ready to give my brain a little bubbly and talk some ears off. Dancing could only make this night better!
Fingers crossed.

St.Valentine

Heart shaped pizzas with heart shaped zucchini and pineapple.
Brian made one anatomical style with sun dried tomatoes as veins. Delicious wine from eureka. Watching a dog show with our friends.
Heart shaped cheesecake.
Friends all around, for a winter in the city.
Lucky wouldn't do it justice.
Did you know that Al Capone is buried in a cemetery less that 2 yards from his rivals. People he had killed are covered in dirt. Memorialized by concrete. In honor of murder.

me

Crossing my fingers.
Darla's stuffed mushrooms.
David Lynch. What. The. Fuck.
Best triple berry cobbler.
Lucky.

Capturing moods

Tiny fish in a giant pond.
A gigantic perplexing overwhelming swamp of a pond.
6x6, 5x5, 7x6.
Whatever the measurements may be.
Lately it has felt non-existent.
Not on the surface.
Ideas, interests, intelligence.
Things less worthy of note.
Simplified version.
me < everyone else
OR
Me=. . .

Why you may ask? (all one of you that reads my blog...Thanks shiney)
I suppose it is because I am regular. Regular interests.
Regular boring.
Regular. I am starting to develop a sensitivity towards my lack of individuality. I am my own version of crazy, but other than that what sets me apart.
Lost in the shuffle.
Even my lunch is forgotten.
Don't get me wrong. I've been called self loathing a handful of times, but this isn't a self loathing moment.
I am just making the connections. So shoot me.

so-so saturday

Last night I had a dream that left me with two bullet wounds in the stomach. I woke up with aches and pains that ruined my day. I think its time to let the blood go.

12 hour work day

There is so much beyond eye level. I never noticed how tall the buildings were until I finally looked up from my path. Oblivious to anything above ground.
Suddenly I feel as though there is now way I can leave this place until I know it. All of it. Every inch.
I want to drive down every ally way and up every hill. I want to know it in my sleep. My dreams will be maps of the streets. In my sleep ill live in every corner until the corners merge into a solid block of familiar space.
Impossible has been blocked from my realm of reality.

the haze

The whites of my eyes glow green upon the sight.
Flashing bright and Lighting the path for a solid landing.
Watching the prism fade in and out.
The sight drowns out the sounds.

Moans and groans.
lips held tight.
clenched high with all the might my hands can muster.

Mister, mister. Sitting in your chair.
Watching me walk. Judging me with the rest of my technological sisters.
What would you say if you understood the face.

Frustration. Anxiety. Complacence. envy.
The nerves of a worn woman, long lost in this maze of haze.
Ostracizing startes of millions.

I want to take no part in progress.
I want to walk along and enjoy the beauty that is real. The beauty that hasn't been destroyed.
The beauty that is not produced by the fast typing fingers of many.

I want the long weathered hands of a creator. The wrinkles of a thinker. The smile of soul, full of energy and being.

All I've got are these bright green lights.
A reminder.
Contributing to the blindness.
Living numb.
I would rather stare into the sun than embrace what I am expected to become.

Should I be...

I wouldn't describe the feeling I have as nostalgic. I don't miss home, because I am home. Words for thought become heavy. Thee feeling I have has no weight on my shoulders. My head feels fuzzy. My arms warm, feet cold as usual. I should be sleeping but in stead I am reflecting. I am so lucky. Privileged.
No one could have imagined that I would by chance be making all the right choices.
My head is filled with memories of pleasantly fitting into the background. Falling in line with all the other shapes of the scenery. Now I am creating my scenery.
Luck doesn't even begin to describe it.

of course

I have a tendency to over react.
In regards to everything.
Sitting in my room. Reading. Listening to pandora.
A Mazzy Star song comes on and I forget to breath. My chest grows warm and my face goes numb. I feel it so tremendously that it takes over every emotion I have. It is like I can hardly think at all. It swallows my being.

Borderline

I have had this song stuck in my head all day. I haven't heard it in months, but it just popped into my head this morning. The video is ridiculous. Some how I can still see why Madonna was such a fashion icon at this point in the 80s. She looks fantastic. I feel like people wake up in the morning trying to be just like her, only they are unaware of where their inspiration comes from. Most likely hey think "what would Gaga where"? Oh the joy of history. People love so many thing because they have already been done. Their connection is through familiarity. I am sure there was someone before Madonna, but she was my first. So today was a borderline type day.
Thank you Madonna-xoxo Tristen.