daily

So easily frustrated.
Quickly, I've become annoyed.
Sleeping while the sun is up
Sun bathing in the rain.

When the lights are on you're invisible.
As if the brightness brought stars.
Repelled from all my corners.
I'm sure tomorrow will be the same.

Straight Edge

When I say I get it, I don't. I just cant possibly comprehend why someone would want to broadcast the issues they have with insecurity and substance abuse. As far as I am concerned, in a ridiculously extremist way; pretending to be the only human exempt of humanity is just not a possibility.
As humans we are naturally drawn to temptation. The feeling of temptation can be visualized in many forms. It doesn't have to be materialized in the form of alcohol or drugs or obsession. When you abstain from temptation that is visually encouraged by a partially conservative society, feelings of urgency and temptation are soon to follow. Deciding to explore the possibility of humanity outside of what we are brought up to believe; it is only natural. Coinciding with the nature of our growth is clumsy misconceptions and stumbles along the way.
Growing up in a broken home, you learn that there is no such thing as normal. Not until I knew what function meant was I aware of what exactly "being normal" would imply.
If you are aware of the fact that your body and mind don't respond to well to alcohol, then don't indulge in alcohol.
If you are aware of that fact that your body responds negatively to drugs of a certain category, then don't take them.
That just so happens to be your own personal choice! For you to try and impress it upon me in a condescending kind of way, is just despicable.
I am not you!
You as an individual trying to impress your opinions upon me, is equal to a preacher trying to impress God upon me. You are no better or worse than any religious preacher. Your opinion is no more valid than another educated being willing to learn. If you cannot comprehend that there is more than one way to live life then it is going to be even harder to understand that as similar as all animals are we are not at all the same. We are all individuals.
We are all made up of completely different people that in no way could have dictated or comprehended the way their offspring would have turned out.
We as people need to explore diversity. We need to explore humanity in order to be able to understand the differences and cope with the consequences of being aware.
Once you realize that you are different from the pack, you become aware of the fact that you can see a side of yourself in everyone.

march

Walking out of the truckstop(only place with a bathroom clean enough to pee in) loud country music blaring as I exit. If this were a song on my life soundtrack it would be obvious that I was making an epic mistake. However, as answers to unasked questions run through my head I'm thinking this is appropriate. I just had the best three days of my life with 3+ of my favorite people.

I am looking

The expression.
It looks to an outsider's point of view, that there is a lot going on. Inside your brain, muscles are shifting and pulsing with reactions of stress and fear.
Yet, something deep within my heart tells me that this is just not the case.
Maybe there are welts of jealousy on my skin.
Where within the figure that stands in view of me would one find cualities deserving of envy. Perhaps that from the outside in you have a self that is your own.
Possibly it is within the nature of femininity that all should suffer from an uneasy sense that we have no self.
All things learned are taught. The things we were taught came from sources less pure. Ulterior motives below the surface of warmth and console.

San francisco is windy. Scary wind. Scary rain. I wish the ocean felt safer. It sounds like I'm in the ocean outside. Like waves are crashing above our roofs.

lost in thought

In the ways that we are different we are exactly the same. The want to understand you, aids in my own personal need to label and understand myself. Within lies the conflict. By no means would I consider a personal goal of mine to be the abilty to fit neatly into a little square-boxical gategory of life.
But I seem to position many people in these boxes. Like the categories of a drag ball. "Most original. Authenticity plays a major role. Authintic becomes what I strive to be. Authentic is the goal.

rain rain

Better suited for silence.
I'm sure that's what they said.
To many words fall from the mouth
Of the girl with the empty head.

behind

Its so easy to call a person a friend. Yet the definition of the term is so unclear.
In my opinion friends are not always friendly. Vice versa.
Being friendly doesn't make a person kind.
Food for thought.
I am crazing ramen.

gaps in thought

My mouth has a habit of moving too quickly.
Its instinct. Not aiding in protection.
It surely isn't a survival mechanism. What the purpose of my quick moving mouth is, I have yet to discover. Considering I have only barely been able to tame it I am somewhat certain it is bound to serve a greater purpose.
Still waiting.
Still.

It was here.

I have heard the cliche "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" about as many times as any other living being around the age of 23. It has come to mind from time to time, but it is now where near my favorite of all the cliches.
I prefer Foot loose and fancy free.
Anyhow.
I have been a diligent student this entire semester. I have given up more than a few nights out in order to finish papers, read books; and I have had nothing but sexual politics and popular 20th century american culture on my mind for months. Now I am ready to give my brain a little bubbly and talk some ears off. Dancing could only make this night better!
Fingers crossed.

St.Valentine

Heart shaped pizzas with heart shaped zucchini and pineapple.
Brian made one anatomical style with sun dried tomatoes as veins. Delicious wine from eureka. Watching a dog show with our friends.
Heart shaped cheesecake.
Friends all around, for a winter in the city.
Lucky wouldn't do it justice.
Did you know that Al Capone is buried in a cemetery less that 2 yards from his rivals. People he had killed are covered in dirt. Memorialized by concrete. In honor of murder.

me

Crossing my fingers.
Darla's stuffed mushrooms.
David Lynch. What. The. Fuck.
Best triple berry cobbler.
Lucky.

Capturing moods

Tiny fish in a giant pond.
A gigantic perplexing overwhelming swamp of a pond.
6x6, 5x5, 7x6.
Whatever the measurements may be.
Lately it has felt non-existent.
Not on the surface.
Ideas, interests, intelligence.
Things less worthy of note.
Simplified version.
me < everyone else
OR
Me=. . .

Why you may ask? (all one of you that reads my blog...Thanks shiney)
I suppose it is because I am regular. Regular interests.
Regular boring.
Regular. I am starting to develop a sensitivity towards my lack of individuality. I am my own version of crazy, but other than that what sets me apart.
Lost in the shuffle.
Even my lunch is forgotten.
Don't get me wrong. I've been called self loathing a handful of times, but this isn't a self loathing moment.
I am just making the connections. So shoot me.

so-so saturday

Last night I had a dream that left me with two bullet wounds in the stomach. I woke up with aches and pains that ruined my day. I think its time to let the blood go.

12 hour work day

There is so much beyond eye level. I never noticed how tall the buildings were until I finally looked up from my path. Oblivious to anything above ground.
Suddenly I feel as though there is now way I can leave this place until I know it. All of it. Every inch.
I want to drive down every ally way and up every hill. I want to know it in my sleep. My dreams will be maps of the streets. In my sleep ill live in every corner until the corners merge into a solid block of familiar space.
Impossible has been blocked from my realm of reality.

the haze

The whites of my eyes glow green upon the sight.
Flashing bright and Lighting the path for a solid landing.
Watching the prism fade in and out.
The sight drowns out the sounds.

Moans and groans.
lips held tight.
clenched high with all the might my hands can muster.

Mister, mister. Sitting in your chair.
Watching me walk. Judging me with the rest of my technological sisters.
What would you say if you understood the face.

Frustration. Anxiety. Complacence. envy.
The nerves of a worn woman, long lost in this maze of haze.
Ostracizing startes of millions.

I want to take no part in progress.
I want to walk along and enjoy the beauty that is real. The beauty that hasn't been destroyed.
The beauty that is not produced by the fast typing fingers of many.

I want the long weathered hands of a creator. The wrinkles of a thinker. The smile of soul, full of energy and being.

All I've got are these bright green lights.
A reminder.
Contributing to the blindness.
Living numb.
I would rather stare into the sun than embrace what I am expected to become.

Should I be...

I wouldn't describe the feeling I have as nostalgic. I don't miss home, because I am home. Words for thought become heavy. Thee feeling I have has no weight on my shoulders. My head feels fuzzy. My arms warm, feet cold as usual. I should be sleeping but in stead I am reflecting. I am so lucky. Privileged.
No one could have imagined that I would by chance be making all the right choices.
My head is filled with memories of pleasantly fitting into the background. Falling in line with all the other shapes of the scenery. Now I am creating my scenery.
Luck doesn't even begin to describe it.

of course

I have a tendency to over react.
In regards to everything.
Sitting in my room. Reading. Listening to pandora.
A Mazzy Star song comes on and I forget to breath. My chest grows warm and my face goes numb. I feel it so tremendously that it takes over every emotion I have. It is like I can hardly think at all. It swallows my being.

Borderline

I have had this song stuck in my head all day. I haven't heard it in months, but it just popped into my head this morning. The video is ridiculous. Some how I can still see why Madonna was such a fashion icon at this point in the 80s. She looks fantastic. I feel like people wake up in the morning trying to be just like her, only they are unaware of where their inspiration comes from. Most likely hey think "what would Gaga where"? Oh the joy of history. People love so many thing because they have already been done. Their connection is through familiarity. I am sure there was someone before Madonna, but she was my first. So today was a borderline type day.
Thank you Madonna-xoxo Tristen.

The Action

I should be sleeping. NO! I should be doing homework. I should be cleaning my room. I should be writing due dates in my planner. I should be doing laundry.
I shouldn't be drinking this beer. I shouldn't be a smoker. I shouldn't have gone to see the get up kids last night.
However, I am always will be and am so glad that I did.

this day

Has been so weird.
Being broke in the city is really hard. I suppose being broke anywhere is hard. However, here I feel like im not supposed to succeed. Maybe its just the feeling of knowing that this city is not my life. People spend years trying to make this city home. Some will conquer. I just don't want to.
I love the cold air. I love the ocean. I love walking the streets knowing I am in San Francisco. I love the tall buildings. I love they mystery of this city. I love that I feel like I'm walking around in someones unfinished novel.

I just don't like the bus. I don't like the discontent on the faces of the people I see every day. On the bus. On the sidewalk. In stores. I don't like being afraid. I don't enjoy the discomfort.

This city has a way of lifting me up when I don't see it as a possibility. It also has the ability to make me feel like my nerves are on a frail wire hanging over the edge of a razor blade. Like nothing is in my control. Temptation on every corner.
It could be so easy to fall if you let go for even a second. Keeping a tight grasp of reality is hard. I live in a technicolor dream state. Painful pitiful precious.
I think I just need a pet. Maybe more space. Less bus rides. I am thinking more than necessary.

bus seat

Sitting beside me is my doubt.
My denial.
The fact that the world is not perfect.
The sky's are not always blue.
Sitting beside me is my bubble.
So comfortably empty.
Numb to the void.
Tempted. Dissected. Ruined.
Lost.

to semi-open ears

I have nothing to say...

luvah bee

Speechless.
Words.
They do so little justice to the emotions I want to express. I am overwhelmed with feelings of joy and love and warmth. I'm nervous with excitement. This life is difficult but the people we chose to share it with make all of the difference.

Now to plan the speech.

on the bus

Yesterday on the bus I was irritated. I was in my technological universe the entire way home. The only people I noticed were two girls. They were pretty hard to miss.
Two twentysomething asian girls. One had long straight black hair pulled back into a low pony-tail. The other had long straight hair with bangs pulled up into a high bun. They were wearing the same sweater, different colors. The exact shoe, in different colors. The same jeans and the same glasses. It was like something out of the twilight zone. They were sitting the same way with their hands folded in their laps. They weren't sisters...maybe they were.
To the point!
I only noticed these girls based on their strange mannerisms. Too strange not to notice. Today even though I was still on the shuffle, I noticed everything! I was just happy to be on the bus in San Francisco. Its been 6months and I'm just as excited. I'm out of the child like joy and excitement stage and onto the next one. I guess we could call the the public transportation phase....

juniper

Puzzle pieces for today.
Will end up the sums of tomorrow.
Circles among squares.
The shapes melt to one another.
All pictures.
They don't fit the description.
Down the road.
Effervescent waves of destination.
In direct vision.
When I finally open my eyes it is perfection.

tuesday

Tuesday started out stressful. It stayed stressful until about 4:30pm. 8+ hours of orientation later and I finally have all of my classes picked out for spring semester. I feel an immense sense of relief but I am also horrified.
I met a few nice people. Being the idiot that I am I only vaguely remember their names. I remember their majors and what they looked like though so that is a start.
Today starts another day. I am most excited to have my thoughts consumed with schoolwork. Maybe then I can shake these anxious pains in my chest.

seaweed salad

As the earth still spins.
The ocean still breaths.
We move as the sea.
Waves of rain.
Drops of salt.

Holding it up.
Hoping the world will be still.
Honing in on the breath.
Desperate for a bubble.

Back to back.
Fourth and found.
Inches from the shells.
Pebbles in the nautilus.
Blocked from casualties.

High tides leave.
Hiding spots uncovered.
Homes.
Broken to the bone.

mondays

Sitting down, and I swear I am thinking. All of the things I have on my mind are running all at once. Numb to the stress of one too many thoughts.
It could be too early to call the day. However, I am pretty set that the title of today would be dark and stormy. Like the drink but subtract the alcohol and add some green.
Who's ready for a 15 hour nap?

Today.

I am going to try something new....
At first I thought every day for the year of 2011 I would come up with a nail polish title. Not the same over used sexist titles. New fresh exciting titles.
Today would have been: Along the coast of San Pedro.
In stead I am going to try to blog about the day every day.
Maybe a picture.

The possibilities.