You guy you.

Feeling a little lost in the future. it becomes so tiring when the only familiar face you can see is the one staring back at you. It is easy getting used to the un-simplified life. Everything you have ever wanted. Out in the open. Accepted and damn near free. With the progress of life so much is left behind. Abandoned and left out with the trash.
Moving on is hard to do, but what is sitting inside will never change. The heart doesn't fade with the changing of generations. It grows stronger. Kid, you have got some heart.
If you could see the future what fun would that be? Take satisfaction in the fact that it will never let you down. If you do not see what you want then create it. In the process you will find the people true to you.
You have what so many people search for their entire lives. You know exactly who you are. You know what you want. Maybe the details are a little fuzzy. Life wouldn't be fun without a little spontaneity.

therapy

Warm with anger. Toes tingling trapped in shoes. To run through the sand. Bare feet on the beach. That is what calms the waves of heat. Cooling from within the very core of the problem. It is not you that brings me anger. It is the ability for myself to be displayed so openly as a target of misguided anger. Do I blame your silly fits of rage? I do not. Do I blame myself for saying the things I say? I do not.
Desperate and willing to befriend anyone. Molding to all as water does. Making room. Allowing no water to spill from the cup because the cup was only half full. Allowing so many things to fall into the water that its about to overflow. Spilling the contents little by little. Eventually it will all dry up. Evaporating into the air. Disappearing.
It is gone with the joy. The childlike wonder and excitement. The hardest part is who to blame. Is it you or is it me?
Little by little you're crushing souls. Isn't that what you want. For everyone to know how insignificant they are compared to you? I don't get you. I don't want to try and understand because I do not want to feel sympathy for you anymore. You hate yourself and your life so you take it out on other people. I will be your friend no longer.

Why?

I guess I understand to a point. People believe that feminism is dead. Why? Is it dead because they are just tired of hearing about it?
I get it. I mean, at least I pretend I do. I just firmly believe that women have a lot to fight for. I think that we need to be empowered. People hear the word feminism and they cringe. WHY?
We need to feel like we have the ability to be independent. I have been lucky enough to grow up feeling this sort of empowerment.
I wouldn't really consider myself "lucky" considering I grew up in a single parent household. However, My mother was an extremely strong influence. It is important to be willing and able to take care of yourself as an independent person. When a man lives alone in a house full of other men it is called a bachelor pad. What is it called when a woman lives alone in a house full of other women?
I think people are scared of feminism. I think they just don't know how to react. They don't know how to respond to these claims of inequality. Neither do I.
I know that I want to feel empowered. I seek out these words of empowerment. I read feminist based magazines. I am a regular to feminist based websites.
What about girls who don't know where to find these encouraging words? What about them? Are we expected to just leave them behind?
All I know is that I am brought to shame any time I bring feminism up in conversation. With males or females. I am made to feel as if I am talking about the same movies everyone has been talking about for months. Except no one is talking about this. No one is talking about feminism.
They are just too scared.
Because it is just too much. It is just too lame. People just say "Oh! Oh no! Feminism! Why?"
On the other side of the fence I don't think that any woman should be made to feel bad about wanting a "simple" life. There is nothing un-empowering about being a mother or a wife. It is a severe misjudgment that feminists are against those ideals. The fight is over choice. It is over equality of the genders. Emotional equality, social equality and political equality. Men and women together.
In all reality i think that people just cant handle it. They don't really know what to say.

My Skin is hot

I just want to lay here with you and watch the wind blow. Together in the sun. Can we enjoy it while its up and embrace the clouds as the night sky come rushing by. I think it is telling us it's time to walk home. Time passes by so quickly. I just want it to stop. Slowly but surely I am erasing the idea from my mind. Time that is. Time that is not.

Let's sit and watch the flowers grow. It will feel slow at first but I assure you it will be worth it in the end. See them blossom in to buds of orange and red. All from seeds covered by dirt. Ill lay this blanket down and it can be our shelter. This blanket can be all we need.

I want to watch the stars fall from the sky. All day and all night.

10 minutes too far.

I would paint you a picture of one million hearts. They would join together in a sea of red. After a while the lines would begin to blur and we would start to make new shapes from the shapes of hearts. It would become a sea. Filled with squid and urchin and heart shaped fish. We would swim all day and wake up washed upon the shores of the bay.
Walking in sand our foot print trails become one set of feet. When one begins to end they merge and meet. The sizes somewhere in between.
Through so many things you have carried me. Woken up on the shore. Looking around seeing nothing but clouds and fog. There. Over there, you always were. For this I am weak. The branches of my tree and squeaking. Creaking and cracking. Swaying in the wind falling lightly to the sand.
Sitting up legs crossed, to brace the ache of being separated. Hours are all that have passed and yet I am in a frenzy. I long for your warmth. I want to be wrapped in the hearts of your arms. 10,000 feet beneath you sea.
I will paint and paint. Attempting only to somehow convey the love I feel daily. As the colors blur and the lines connect to different points I am submerged. As your water fills my lungs I am saved. Forever waiting for your embrace. Rushing towards me in waves of one million hearts.
Always yours. Only yours. Forever yours.

im broke

Your strength is forgotten. your hope has fallen by the waist side and your hope is shattered into shards of glass. Why has it always been so easy to forget the past. This one time is stinking out like yellow in a pasture of black.
The freckles on your arm tense in pain. You fall to your knees and the future has been decided. Regardless of how time changes things. This series of events will never go unnoticed.
You scream and cry with all your mite but this just could end up your very last fight. Tonight is going to be the last memory you have of one another.
You have technology to thank for this. The rapid transit of love lost. What once brought two together will tear them apart. Its no longer an age lost in the dark.

family

Its so easy to forget. Pretend like it never happened. It didn't exist.
Cheeks flushed. The beginnings of rosebuds. Water dripping down the petals.
Sitting down is even harder when you can't release the air that is trapped inside your lungs. At any moment it will be forced from my chest. Gasps and screams. They kill the silence. The funny thing is that its always silent.
I've ended up pretty lucky. I don't know how it happened. Maybe because so much has happened. From what was the beginning for me things have gone the opposite of how anyone ever would have thought.
I could tell you all of my horror stories. You wouldn't believe most of them. They just aren't necessary. I wouldn't be me without those things. I wouldn't have the love I have without the pain I have. Daily. Insecurity. Irrationality. Individuality.
I always wanted to be the same because I really was different. Now I'm just fine.

for what its worth.

I can't help but feel as if we are all blind. Fear is not the answer. Knowledge is the answer. Its so simple. Just open your eyes. Do something.
Anything.
Its hard for me to want to lead this normal life. Have kids and a house and all the things that would help me accomplish normalcy. I just don't see a reason in repopulating the planet when there could easily be no planet left.
People don't see what is capable of happening in the future because they are unaware of what happened in the past.
Just because it was 50 years ago doesn't mean its worth forgetting. People in the 60s cared so much about the future because they saw how wonderful life could be. They saw how beautiful the world could be. Power started with the people. It has so quickly been taken away. Maybe it has been given away. Due to our lack of concern.

bleh. a word i use often.

I just want to find something for me. I'm okay being lonely because I know its just a weakness. A temporary feeling of insecurity. Feeling alone. I know that when it comes down to it, I have friends. I have people that love me. I know who I am.
I just want to work at a place with people like me. I have tattoos. I like to make people smile. I like to make people happy.
Work is where you spend most of your life. If you don't work with people you like then its like willingly choosing to spend your time with ass holes. The only difference is you get paid. I'm not sure what is worse. I'm just tired of feeling like these people are laughing at me. I am trying my best to socialize and make friends. NO BODY GIVES A SHIT! They have got all of the friends they need. I'm just another bitch that they have to hang out with.
Not by choice.
This experience is so strange. I didn't expect to like this. I do. Do these people like me? Maybe, they don't really seam like it.
Maybe I'm just boring. They don't see me as someone with something to offer them. I just feel like I am in high school again. I hated high school. I'm pretty sure that if I went back now I would still hate it. I'm 22. Every single day I get older. I'm getting too old for this crap. Daily. So many cliches come to mind. So many lines from pop-punk songs. Running through my mind. When shuffle surprises me i get nervous. Discomfort all around. I feel just as uncomfortable as i did at 13. How and why is this possible.

just wondering

Its the rejection that's driving me to drink. Its the uncertainty that is steering me in this direction. The competition. Its hard for me to comprehend. Among many other things holding me back. Inside feels hallow and devoid of pain reception. Its just not getting through to me. So dense upstairs.
From the start of the maze I've been lost. Being lost isn't as bothersome as one would predict. Until the facts set in. Dangling from a tree I've forgotten where I've been, until my arms begin to tire. Jumping to the ground I find my way by accident. I stumble upon fortunate finding.
Are they meant to be mine. Left for me to stumble upon. It could just be an indicator that a little effort would merit even more fortunate findings. However, it is like I have forgotten how to be ambitious. How to succeed. I want so badly to find this urge once again.
If I could just simply stumble upon it...

our glass

I keep drinking this wine to pass my time. No matter how much I drink, my hands still shake. My body still aches with feelings for you. I tried to turn around, but all I found were empty boxes and brand new locks.
I can't escape the day to find the night. Here in this room I fight the day light. I cover my head. Pretend I'm still asleep. I lie alone and convince myself you're coming home.
You walk away and I stay here waiting. You walk through the door and I'm stuck anticipating. I wait in fear that the end is near. But when the book's finished it always starts over. Our love is always under cover. I'm still here stuck with the fear, because the future is unclear.
I see your face and I'm still amazed that our love has made it just this far. I reach for you in the dark. Although it is still too soon I feel your heat against mine and I know the time has come to make amends. Its just not the end. So for here and now. I wait it out! I wait for the word of mouth to reach the house, where our love is locked up. Safe in the room I stuck it. Beside the shelf. I put the wine.

today.

I woke up too early. 4am to be exact. I drove three hours to gather all of my belongings and transport them here. To my new city. Leaving feels like a life jacket made of bricks. I get nervous. I forget my directions. I feel lost. I have no confidence in myself or my driving skills. Regardless of the fact that I've made this drive at least 100 times.
The drive went quickly, despite the anxiety. I drank way too much coffee and showed up just on time to pick up the U- haul, but an hour late for my hair appointment.
The temperature quickly hits the hundreds and I realize we don't have everything as "together" as I remembered.
Bringing out lives into the city took us 5 hours instead of 3.
I let a woman in front of me for the toll and she pays mine. I have no words to express the gratitude I felt. It was like the first time a handsome man opened a door for me. Pulled out a chair. Or when people let you ahead of them in the grocery line.
Prop 8 was over-turned.
I got horribly lost in SF. Wound up in north beach. Ended up taking the route that got us lost to get back home.
Had my first San Francisco anxiety attack. Double vision and all. Laying here. In my bed. A mess among cardboard wreckage I am so happy. Today was a whirlwind welcome from the city that is now my home.
Today was a day. The best and worst day.

mix tapes

Going through my playlists I find so many seasonal mixes. I have a summer, fall and spring(valentines) mix. Among these mixes I have ridiculous amounts of on-the-go mixes. Just for fun. Just to lighten the mood. I have on-the-go's for muni. For a good day at work. To make it through the day. For a long walk. For the drive back home. You name it I've most likely made a mix for it. I make mixes. Its what I like to do.
My valentines mix is the most interesting.
The best way to make a mix about love is by just using songs with the word "love" in the title. Any other way just becomes confusing. There are just too many kinds of love. I do have a few favorite "love" songs though.
First for the mix:
1)Brand new colony-the postal service. For shiney. This is her favorite love song. For that reason I love it.
2)Don't let it fade-sundays best. I think I just like the title.
3)True love way-kings of leon.
4)For me this is heaven-jimmy eat world. Clarity is the most nostalgic album for me as far as young love is considered.
5)Orange shirt-discovery. The lyrics just remind me of all young relationships. Desperation and stupidity.
6)From-dr.dog- seriously "oh my love. Don't you leave me.because I don't want to learn how to die" enough said. Geez.
7)Ageless beauty-stars. From the remix album. It is once again a shine influenced pick. This girl stays true to her best friend. :)
8)The way you look tonight-frank sinatra. What is not to love. This song comes on and swoon. I have no words. My face turns hott and its over. Done and done.
9)Us-regina spektor.
10)You are-paramore. I love new found glory and shai hullud and I've seen this girls boobs. This song is cute.
11)Rain king-counting crows. I love love love this song.
12)Easy girl-coconut records
13)Clavicle-alkaline trio. Duh!
14)Criteria-the life. <3
15)Real love-twilight singers. Its a classic.
16)Sunday kind of love-Etta James. One of my favorites.
Last but obviously not least. This song gives me chills.
17)I want you-Bob Dylan.
Ah sweet love <3

driving in the dark

From here it starts. Tonight is the first of the rest of our lives. so let's drive away from here. Just the two of us. Forget where we're from. Forget where we are supposed to be.
From this point on, it can be just you and me. It just takes one word. Just look me in the eyes and tell me I'm right. Tell me not what I want to hear, but what we both know is true.
It can be just me and you. So let's just drive away. Into the night. Tonight can be the first of the rest of our lives. It starts here. It starts right now.
Put your hand in mine. Don't look back. Its our turn. Its our time.

maybe next time.

I found you in my nostalgia. Where were you when I was there. How is it possible that it didn't bring us together. Its funny that here you are in front of me and I can't reach you. I find comfort in who you are but I'm not sure if its out of yearning or loneliness. Or even out of greed.
Here you are. Perfect even with your faults and yet we are too many worlds apart. I want so badly to be where you are. So why isn't it just that easy. It should be simple. The simplest mathematics put us as one. So why are all of these fractions pushing us farther and farther apart.
All I want is you. I dream about you every night. I have a feeling we are one in the same. But I am curious. It could be so many things. But I feel it. I feel it in my fingers. In my cheeks.
I want to know everything. I want to hear all of your stories. Your memories. I want to lay next you. I want you to feel the same way. I want us to make this choice and run away.